In Remembrance of Me: Nothing is painless

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Nothing is painless

To quote The Princess Bride, "Life is pain, Princess. Anyone who tells you different is selling something."

Suicide is the ultimate selfish act. The most self-centered It Really Is All About Me decision someone could make. When you wake up every morning, you have to remind yourself that there are all these people depending on you and who care whether or not you get out of bed that day. And you have to reinforce inside your head that you have responsibilities, if you don't keep going bad things will happen to the people you care about. You won't be working to pay the bills anymore, you won't be there to make sure the school stays on track with your kids' education. On the days when you hear your kids both had three time outs at daycare, you spent $25 in gas to drive out to a work lunch to be "appreciated" and the best thing they can say about you is that you love technology and you're organized, when you take a day off because you're sick and the boss calls you because she can't figure out how to use the state Managed Care website, the next day when you come in everyone makes you feel guilty for not being there. Not one person expresses sincere pleasure in your continued existence, not for what you can do for them, but just because you are... The scales get way out of wack.

You start thinking how unfair it all is, how tired you are of people needing and expecting things from you. And you can't just jump in the car and drive because they're still there, inside your head. Back in the place you just left. You just want to drop it all. Just put it down cause it's so stupidly heavy and you're so damned tired of it all. You just want to tell them all "Let me go. Please. Just let me go. I'm tired and I want this for me." I'm tired. I'm just so tired.

posted by Kimber at 10:31 AM :: ~#~
(1) comments

1 Comments:

Umm, I hoping that you've gotten your medication adjusted.
I know things are tough, but you are really one of the strongest people I know. This is exactly why I encourage you to write to me, and let me know what's going on. I am here to support you, and help you. And when you say you have thoughts like that, it scares the hell out of me!!
I know I can't stop you from feeling that way, but you know if you get in the car and drive, my guest room is always open.
And, not to sound filpant, but haven't I told you before to polish up the resume and look for a new job? I know you like helping people in the work you do, but it's time for that scariest of five letter words: CHANGE.
Let me know if I can help. I love you, and really don't want to ever get that phone call from John.

By StSquirrel, at 11:49 AM