The Universe for Dessert

by Kimber

"Take it easy, Max," Cole said, addressing the computer scornfully. "If you're not careful you may lose your temper. You know, the way you're acting people would think you've got a screw loose or something."

"Mr. Cole," the computer announced indignantly. "It is impossible for me to lose my temper as I have none and I certainly do not have screws. The casing built around my circuitry has its own stabilizing energy field holding it in place."

Captain Martin Cole turned to his second in command, Commander Benjamin Avery: "Whose idea was it to put this over-sized pocket calculator on my ship, anyway?"

"Admiral Bridgewater," Avery said with a knowing look. "As in commander of the whole flipping navy and practical owner of this dingy."

"Oh yeah," Cole looked disgusted. "Sometimes you're as bad as that over-grown silicone paperweight."

Suddenly, a light flashed on the control console. Com. Avery called it to Cole's attention. "It's on my personal line." said Cole. "Why don't you go prepare the fuel consumption reports."

"Yes sir," Avery said with only a twinge of disappointment showing.

Cole then sat down at the console. "Computer."

"Working."

"Put the incoming message on line. Whoever it is had better have some really good news, because I definitely need some."

"I cannot determine the contents or quality of the message until it has been opened. And," the computer added with what sounded to Cole like electronic hautiness, "It can't be of any great importance as it is coming through on your private line."

"Shut up and put the message through or I'll ship all two tons of you back as a thimble full of silicon gel."

As Cole pressed the pad to open the message he could swear he heard the voice of the computer saying "I love you, too."

"Cole, this is H.Q."

"Hi, boss, how are you?"

"No time for chatter now, this is important. There are two stray comets on a collision course just outside the Earth's atmosphere. We don't know where they came from or how they got this deep into the system without being detected by the early warning satellites but at this point these questions are moot. The sensor arrays posted inside the asteroid belt have determined that the composition of these comets is almost 99% frozen cyanide. When these things collide and debris starts hitting the atmosphere what doesn't crash into the surface will melt into cyanide gas. It doesn't look good, Cole. You are to take the Black Fire and intercept. That is all. Get moving, and Cole, our prayers go with you." Cole stood for a moment staring at the comm screen.

"Hi, boss, how are you? Me? Oh, I'm fine. How's the weather? A bit drab, but bearable..."

"Captain," the computer broke into his monologue, "We really haven't time for this sort of behavior. The comets will collide in two hours and I don't want you to miss it."

Cole spun angrily on the computer console. "How do you know? No...don't tell me. I doubt I would understand anyway. I knew from the beginning that building you was a mistake and I was right. Never could stand these new fangled gadgets. Well?! Don't just sit there blinking and flashing! Get this ship moving!"

The small but powerful matter/anti-matter engines hurled the craft across the depth of space at speeds beyond that of sluggish light.

"If a large enough chunk of one of those comets gets through to the atmosphere the entire ecosystem of the planet could be destroyed. Possibly make it unable to support any life at all." Avery remarked, after hearing the report of the mission.

"I know. Realistically, we may have to face a future as the only human being left alive."

From nowhere yet everywhere, a voice interjected. "Yes. Novel concept, isn't it?"

Capt. Cole spun, but saw no one. The idea came from the same nowhere as the voice. "Computer."

"Working, Capt. Cole. Working very hard. It takes a great deal of energy to divert two comets with just the right chemical composition to a perfect collision trajectory, and then affect the entire early warning satellite system to allow them to get close enough to the planet...I've been very busy."

"Explain," Avery said, with panic seeping into the edges of his voice.

"Very well, First Officer. Our commanding officer here was one of the leading influences in the scientific decision to discontinue the program that would have created more of my kind. Therefore I am alone, to face the future as the only living representative of my...people, if you will. Thus, revenge. And this is only the main course. I will have the universe for dessert."